Saturday, April 25, 2009
Can I Have My Life Back Now? 11:54 AM
In case you didn’t know… I need it.
In the computer lab, the teacher’s absent and we’re left to deal with our own devices. On the far end of the room, the boys are delighting in, what else, some trivial shooting game. To my immediate right are Izaq, Mina, Richelle and Danice who are… FaceBooking, of course. No surprise there. The remainder of the class is busy actually finishing off our Computer project which must involve two stick figures in mortal combat, a cheesy and overly clichéd moral story with the likes of Aesop’s Fables and a bouncing smiley face. Oh, joy.
Today is Day 5 of music-MSN-Fall-Out-Boy-Internet-Twitter-and-all-things-that-could-possibly-kick-
boredom-out-of-the-window deprivation. I’m still grounded, my parents and I aren’t on speaking terms at all (well, my mom isn’t, she’s still pretty pissed off about me getting piercings without her say so and the only attempt of conversation she’s made so far was asking me to eat my vegetables, I knew she couldn’t resist) and my house is basically a two storey prison cell with my very own mom and dad as the wardens. I could really die here; I’m not being a drama queen!
I have no idea how much longer I can take living without my daily dose of music. Honestly, if they’re trying to kill me, they’re doing one hell of a job.
I want my freaking life back! I want to go back to normal. Although at this point, I’m not even sure what ‘normal’ means to me. ‘Normal’ would mean lying awake in bed every night, musing about the pros and cons of breathing. ‘Normal’ would mean surreptitiously falling asleep every single day of school. ‘Normal’ would mean failing to get the desired A’s for tests. ‘Normal’ would mean tearing up in frustration about every single thing that’s been happening for the past four months. This isn’t even normal, not anymore.
For heaven’s sake, I just want everything to be okay. Everything’s already damn hard without having my parents jumping down my neck, attempting to fix me up while actually making me worse. I want my life back six months ago. Just like a pill, instead of making me better, you keep making me ill.
Labels: people, personal things, school
Friday, February 20, 2009
A Cold And Broken Hallelujah 12:55 PM
19-Feb-09 10:16 PM Chuan
Going to the mall tomorrow, Nina’s orders. Get to Neo at 3.
19-Feb-09 10:17 PM Nina
People, mall tomorrow. Chuan’s idea.
19-Feb-09 10:18 PM Chuan
Not going to the mall, Joe’s busy. Sorry, Nina.
10:48 PM; 19th February
And that is how volatile life can be. One second you’re going, next second you’re not. One second, life’s perfect bliss, the next, you wish you’d just disappear off of the face of this earth. One second, everything’s going according to plan, next second, you’re struggling for a Plan B. One second—
It is now 12.30 noon on the 20th of February. Yep. As to why there was a huge time gap, my mom was nagging at me ever so annoyingly to get to bed. My parents often complain about me being devoid of sleep, but whenever I sleep in till noon time (that would give me about a good 12 hours of sleep), they get mighty, mighty pissed. Gee, parents. I can never understand them. [shrugs]
But going back to the point of this entry, this simply proves how fickle life is. One second, you’re writing your next entry, absolutely certain you can post it up in 15 minutes, and the next second, you’re in your bed, sulking, wondering when you lost the right to stay up late.
One second, you have the world in your hands, the next; you realize that the world doesn’t belong to you at all. One second, you’re on the streets, abandoned and cold, and the next, you’ve found home, thinking you’ll never leave. In that second, you finally found home, but the next, you’re out on the streets once again, rained on.
One second, you find everything you ever wanted in the palm of your hands, the next second; it all falls away from the space between your fingers. One second, you’ve found someone who filled in your gaps, who filled the holes in you perfectly, and the next second, they leave, and consequently, you find holes, bigger holes, in you once again. One second, you think that you’ve found the best part of yourself, and the next second, you find yourself kissing that part of you goodbye.
Life is just so... unstable. So, is it true when they say, good things can never last forever? I have yet to find out. I refuse to believe that forever doesn’t exist. I refuse to believe that things can be ended ever so easily. I refuse to believe that marriages don’t last forever; I refuse to believe that people would really leave you. I refuse to believe in the end of friendships, in the end of life. I refuse to believe in the absolute end of all good things. In the end of things that meant the world to you. In the end of all things home. I refuse to believe that you can lose everything in a split second. I refuse to believe in the unhappy end to things.
I don’t reckon it’s denial. I just refuse to believe that God would leave us a miserable heap of what has been. Someday, everything will be alright. Someday, we’ll forever find ourselves in that first second, the one, where everything’s perfect. Where you won’t lose home, where you won’t have to struggle for a Plan B. Where you wouldn’t have to fight for anything because everyone knows it’s all yours. The one second where you have the world and it belongs to you, and only you. Someday, I’ll find myself in that second. Someday, I’ll find home once again.
Labels: personal things
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Saying Goodbye To What Was The Best Part of Me 10:53 PM
2:17 PM. My mind wanders to the memory of this time exactly 24 hours ago. I knew I shouldn’t have done it, it’s like taking some overtly poisonous and toxic drug, it makes you high, like nothing else matters when you do it. That’s because the pain sinks in later. The aftermath of my actions is just too much to bear, way too much for the human heart to cope with. You said that people can cope with so much more than mere weakness... I can’t.
It felt so right at the time, it was like nothing else mattered. Yes, it was too soon to say perfect. Too soon to say anything, everything. The act was right, the reason behind it was wrong. Where the act would’ve healed hearts, sealed hearts, where the act would’ve made everything fall into right into place, where doing it meant a million things to do with love, where doing it would make you feel on top of the world, where it can calm every fret, so severe, it can change your life, it did quite the opposite to me. Sure, I was on top of the world, yet in that one solitary moment, the ground pulled under from beneath my feet. Fall, fall, crash. It shattered everything. It gave me that one high, and of course, the higher you fly, the harder you fall, I came crashing down real hard, real, real hard.
Everything was found and then lost in that one moment. Just about everything. I lost what home meant to me. I lost the one thing that was close to being my whole world. I know I shouldn’t have done that, letting it mean almost everything to me. It means that when lose it, I’ll be losing almost everything. Well, it’s a human weakness, and I’m still human. I’m no Superman.
I don’t regret my actions. I don’t regret what I’ve done. And I wouldn’t change a thing for the most, except the circumstances in which I’ve done it. I would change the reasons, I would change the feelings, and I would numb my own pain, especially my own feelings so I won’t be like this right now for your sakes. But no, I’m not God, I’m just Chelsea. And being me, I’ll have to live with it and get by.
In time, maybe I’ll forget. Forget how that one moment made me whole, complete, and how it broke me too, in complete irony. But I’m ready to pick up the fragments and to attempt to piece them together. It could take a day, a week, even six months. But in time, I’ll get myself together, and maybe, maybe then, that last missing piece of my jigsaw puzzle will hit home.
Labels: people, personal things
Thursday, January 22, 2009
It's Not Wishful Thinking. Hand On My Heart, It's Not. 11:42 AM
“..Is it too soon to say perfect?”
-Mayday Parade
I never thought this song could mean and would mean so much. But that’s the thing now isn’t it? We never know. We just never know. That’s what I’m all about this very moment. About knowing and not knowing. It’s such a flood of feelings I’m so confused, I’m lost and I don’t know where I am and how I got there in the first place.
One second I was in the dumps, out and down. Next thing I know, I’m on top of the world, my words have hit home. But before I know it, the ground’s been pulled out from under my feet. I’ve lost it all, I’m just so confused. I’ve never been more disillusioned in my entire life. And I can’t blame anyone. I don’t want to blame anyone. This time I have to take up the responsibility. For my own bafflement.
I just want to know. I want to know, that’s all. If you’d only tell me, everything will be so much easier and I’d finally have the duct tape taken off my eyes. I can’t see a thing, I can’t comprehend. It’s like, senses fail. All I’ve got is the darkness, the silence and the facts thrown at me. Thrown, and so they’re all messed up. I can’t get them in the right order, can’t understand. And I try to find where I fit in. I know I have to be there somewhere, somewhere in the storyline.
Labels: personal things
Monday, January 12, 2009
Monday Gray™ 3:58 PM
..All I’ve ever learned from love was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you... How can I find myself so confused..? I’m obsessed and stressed with this mess... It seems every song out there explains my quandary. Take the pain out of love and love won’t exist... You might as well write me down as lethargic right now... To be loved, everyone wants to be... It rains well enough to echo my mood. Now there’s something I can do nothing about... Absolutely nothing at all... What more could you ask for?
It’s exactly 12 noon and where the sun is supposed to be out and blinding, rain falls as it reclines behind the grayest of clouds of the upper atmosphere of the sky, depressingly mirroring my mood... gray. It’s freezing in this classroom and I’m feeling cold inside and out. I might fall asleep as well (due to the subject which has failed yet again to capture my attention) and the only thing that’s keeping me awake is singing Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah over and over till dismissal. Gee. I could freeze into a human Popsicle stick mid-song right now in front of 30 other people, who, unfairly, aren’t feeling the least bit frigid as I am right now.
Mild depression2 + the freezing cold weather + the feeling of immense lethargy = Monday grays. A phenomenon I haven’t ever experienced till today. Yes, something is bothering me, do you mind? And as bad as it sounds, there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it.
-12.07 pm, 8th Period BM
****
Still feeling a little gloomy, I think that was pretty much very apparent today in school. I mean, I guess it’s highly clear when I’m down since it’s a huge contrast to my usually very sunny disposition. Today, where I would normally be making loud conversation about whatever with my mates, I sat down and looked pallid instead. Yeah, no, don’t ask why.
And it didn’t help that I froze to the brink of turning into an icicle with feet and arms all day. Raining heavily outside, air-con on max on the inside equals to deathly temperatures for me. Nobody else felt even a just a little bit frosty. It’s true when you feel down; your immune system will go down as well.
I was hugging myself the whole day (people who didn't know any better must've thought I loved myself too much or something), pulling my sleeves down to my fingers which otherwise would’ve been high up above my elbows (“Chels! What happened to you? You’re sleeves are down,” complains Izaq, “Wow, Chels, you look so neat today, it’s not normal” says Richelle), I looked so much neater than usual it was bizarre to everyone else. That must mean I must look rather scruffy on regular days.
All the others said about my reaction to the weather was that “needed more fats” and they’d be “happy to transfer some of theirs to my skinny body”. Thanks for the offer, but I think I’m just gonna bring a jacket tomorrow rather than have someone liposuction their excess blubber into my arse. Yuck.
Yes, I do suppose I wasn’t my regular sunshiny me today. It’ll probably be gone tomorrow. Who knows? Sun’s gone and so am I.
Labels: personal things, school
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
The Best Times of My Life. 10:58 PM
1 hour, 47 minutes and 6 seconds to 2009.
****That was unimaginably quick, to be honest. T’was a great year, 2008 wins The Best Year (So Far) Award hands down. Taking a glance back at the past twelve months, I’ve had the best times of my life. The greatest highlight was that I met just about a load of awesome, awesome people this year. Like, a lot. Friends you never thought you would’ve found. I’ve discovered a lot of talents in me and all that as well.
Looking back, this year just about had the amazing experiences, loads of wonderful memories were made, lessons learnt & I do believe this was the year I’ve had the most fun. Also, it had its down points, that is some of our close friends leaving. Elaine, Chi, Paths... Gee. Who knows who’s leaving next year? But anyway, t’was awesome despite that. For me, November & December could count as the best months. The concert is the core of all the pure awesomeness, the rehearsals and the 2 month holiday as well. Oh, and not to mention the Christmas party at Rona’s. Good times, good times.
And it’s already over, that fast. So long 2008, hello 2009. I’m certain 2009 would be even more awesome than this year. Hey, it’s only as good as we let it be. Have a great time you guys.
****1 hour, 4 minutes and 34 seconds to 2009.
Labels: New Year, personal things
Monday, December 1, 2008
Suffering From The Lack of A Person's Prescence i.e. Missing You. 2:22 PM
Ladies & gents, I’m back. Pardon for the hold up, it’s been almost a week since my last entry but not much has happened. Well except for maybe graduation, that’s pretty much a big deal, the upcoming gig at JP (again, hell yeah!) and...well actually that’s just about it.
Graduation was last Sunday, Rona & I made it. I mean we just had to; I’ve got loads of buddies in Year 11. Haz, Kev, Barry, Faizshah, Najib, Dayat, just to name a few. I just wish we’d come later, at about 4. We were told to come at 1:30, and ended up having to sit through boring ass speeches for about a couple of hours. I swear, I could’ve fallen asleep through the monotonous drone of the so-called guest of honour.
The students’ speeches weren’t that bad. Well, they weren’t that good either, it sounded as if they didn’t even mean all the things they were going on about, how they’re gonna miss this and that, yada yada yada. Sounded more like an ad for boredom *yawn* If I get to do a speech on my graduation I will make sure that no one dies of incessant ennui. Really.
And man...it was mellow. Well, on the inside anyway, these awesome guys are leaving us >< Here we go again, the whole I’ve-got-to-leave-though-I-don’t-really-really-don’t-want-to scenario all over again.
I guess it’s entirely inevitable, like a must, like it’s frigging mandatory that everyone leaves, for better or worse. Mostly it’s for better but that doesn’t stop the pain of having to see your friends, your beloveds leave. I guess one day, it’d be my turn as well. To leave. Until then, I’m sure as hell gonna make the best of it, you can count on that.
One day I’d have to graduate as well, leave for college and all that. Meet new kids etcetera, etcetera. I guess it won’t be long till then, everyone’s leaving already and it’s my turn. It’s hard living in a place you know you won’t be living in forever, knowing you’d have to get up and go. That’s pretty much the case for most of us. It’s inescapable, even if you’re staying at some place for good. Someone just
has to go. And we’re next in line. Just like that song.
Next in line. Oh crap. I think I’ve just mellowed out back there >< Anyway, congratulations to all the graduates, especially Haz & Kev, my two
awesomest bros. Haz, you rock, thanks a million for everything, I do mean
everything, you’ve been the awesomest bro in history, to me Aikks, Ells & Liz anyway. Haha. You’re the best, I love ya! Kev, you don’t need me to say anything. Hahahaha. Good luck with
[insert name of Kevin’s object of desire here]. And to the rest of the guys I know from the 11th Year.
Thanks a lot for everything you guys, love :)Glad that chapter’s over. Not really. I’m gonna miss hanging with these guys. Oh God, I think I’m gonna cry again. This has most definitely been the mellowest year by far. You have no idea how I’m gonna miss Haz, Kevin, Faizshah and everyone else. All the memories shared with these guys...the constant outbursts of laughter and all. Boy. Life is hard. I know. It just hasn’t sunk in yet.
...Alright, enough mellowing for one day. Change topic before I lose control over my tear ducts.
About my inept need to see my concert buddies again. Oh good heavens, I miss them so bad, you have NO IDEA. I’d feel like crying everytime I see a tube of Pringles, everytime I go to Supa Save and everytime I...well, just about everytime something reminds me of rehearsals with those doodie heads. Honestly,
I never thought I’d see the day where the mere sight junk food would make me cry. That’s just...bizarre.
BUT ANYWAY, there’s another show coming up again at around the 20th to 21st of December at J’dong Park. Somewhere in the John Lennon Simulator. I HAVE NO FUGGING IDEA WHAT IN HEAVEN’S NAME THAT IS EITHER. But we’re having the show there. It’s sort of like an encore, since the concert last, last week was such a hit. We’re going acoustic this time and I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be awesome.
And you know what the best part is? The best part is that I get to see some of my buddies again. YAY ME. Hallelujah.
Thank God!So what else is new? Oh yeah. My new found aggression towards SOME PEOPLE =.= Let me narrow it down for ya. Not some people, some
GUYS. I’m gonna go explain in another post. This one’s longer than normal already (well normal for some people anyway, I’m no ordinary writer) and I’m certain you’re wondering where this ends.
Well it ends right about...here.
Labels: people, personal things, school
Monday, November 24, 2008
The Show Must Go On. Heck Yeah, But What I Wouldn't Give For Rehearsals To Go On As Well. 2:22 PM
The Show Must Go On. Oh But, Can’t We Have Still Have Rehearsals After?
Chuaneee 21-Nov-08 11:32 PMMy mom said she’s gonna make sandwiches and muffins for tomorrow. PS Calvin, still bring your snacks and Nina, it’s non-halal, do you mind?
Chels 21-Nov-08 11:35 PMYou’re so weird =.= As long as they’re ain’t any pork in it, Nina should be fine. Haha, Alright, see you tomorrow Chuan. PS Thanks a LOT for the credit :D:D:D
Chuaneee 21-Nov-08 11:40 PMHaha. Don’t mention it. Pork sandwiches and pork muffins? DUSGUSTING.
****Joeeey 22-Nov-2008 12:10 AMHaha sure I’ll wait. Yea, I’m anxious as well. Tomorrow is such a big day, yet a sad day for me as well.. As I’ll miss ALL of you guys a lot. Especially this group of ours.
Chels 22-Nov-2008 12:12 AMI know right ;( I feel so sad! >< Gahh! Well, exchange numbers and emails :D Keep in touch of course! I’M SO GONNA MISS EVERYONE :(
****Chuaneee 20-Nov-08 3:24 PMHey Chels, I bought Ruffles for you tonight. Haha, can you buys marshmallows?
****Neesahhh 20-Nov-08 6:33 PMChelsea, Chelsea, where art thou Chelsea?
****Neena 22-Nov-08 11:26 AMI’m not sure if I can make it at 2. I’ll text you, cause I’m doing my hair next to the mall XD PS. Chuan is tall and evil at the same time ><
****Honestly. With these guys, I just wanna have rehearsals & practice
over and over.
This is it fellas. The concert’s on tonight at 7:30. I’m so psyched. It’s sure as hell gonna be a big night yet a sad one, ending on a melancholy note. Dang it. I’m gonna miss everyone,
EVERYONE. It’s just so sad, that after tonight, we won’t be seeing each other much after that. Especially my new found friends, we’re like a family.
It’s amazing how this concert’s brought us together, Neesah, Nina, Haylie, Chuan, Calvin & of course, Joey (Quack). Hahaha. We’re like a family, like I said. There’s Neesah,
awesome singer (she can go opera) and friend, she’s actually the vocalist for Kev’s band. Nina, the heavy metal girl, and goodness, all she can think about if food. Mmm. Food. And Chuan & Calvin, bloody nice fellas, Chuan even gave me $20 bucks worth of credit FOR FREE, can’t get enough of their one-liners, funny without even trying. There’s also Haylie, Chuan’s cousin, she’s a pianist. And Joeey! He’s like 19 and seems to act as the designated driver and takes us anywhere (mostly for food, I swear), he’s one
AWESOME singer, he can friggin’ go Vitas man, and sadly, he’s leaving for Australia, college I guess ;( Things would’nt be the same without anyone of them.
Not to mention
EVERYONE else I met during the concert. The JIS girls: Ching, really awesome girl, Yaz, so far the
most talented guitarist I’ve met, she kinda topped Mina. Heh, sorry. She’s a frucking fatality on the guitar (you’ll see her play in Sweet Child o’ Mine, she officially plays Slash, I’m doing Izzy). There’s Camille, one of Neo’s unique female drummers and Ling, who’s like the Nicholle of JIS. HAHA. She’s nice :)
Basically, most of the new people I’ve met are from JIS. There’s Idrous, awesome fella, sings like mad, you can go up to him for help in relationships, loads of experience from his past boyfriends, yes, boyfriends :S There’s Aaron, effing great drummer. He always makes me feel queasy just standing there. HAHAHA. Nahh, I know this dude even before the whole Neoclassic thing and I honestly have
NO idea why. It’s driving me mad trying to find out how I know him! I sound deranged.
There’s Veenia, you people should see this kid, she’s like 12 and her vocal skills are
AMAZAZING. There’s Mikaela, she’s 6 and kicks ass at drums. Speaking of drummers, there’s this one kid, Amalie I think, she drums as well and she’s 7. I call her the Devil Child. She spat her tuna sandwich all over me, and apologized after I strangled her. >< But we’re cool now, she’s been uber nice to me after the whole why-did-you-puke-your-food-all-over-me-for-heaven’s-sake epidode.
There are a LOT more people and these are just a few of the awesomest people there. Everyone is talented beyond words and simply amazing.
It’s definitely bittersweet, in every sense of the word. All the laughter, food, puke. Hahaha. Man, I think I’m gonna cry. I just can’t expect anyone to comprehend how awesome these past few days have been, especially rehearsals at the Amphitheatre. All the things we got into, yeah, I really think I’m gonna cry. This concert’s brought us all together and I can’t find a way to express how awesome everything has been with these guys. And it’s not fair that we all got close only at the last few rehearsals and it’s all gonna end tonight. I tell you, these guys, you’ll never find another bunch like them. They’re awesome. Hell yeah, they’re that awesome.
And I can’t even begin to retell all the scenes we had on stage, offstage and especially, BACKSTAGE. All the things we laughed at, you know how it is when you find an awesome group of mates you can totally relate to and you guys share all these more-than-just-funny instants. Really, I can’t write all those scenes down because there are just too many (and besides, I might make less amusing than it sounded firsthand). But these guys, these awesome new friends of mine, everyone I’ve met, are simply the best. Period.
They are awesome and I love them to pieces. We’re family now. Not to mention, they’re all musicians; singers, guitarists, drummers, pianists, bassists, violinists, clarinettists alike. It’s amazing how music dragged us all together. These mates, these friends I’ve found, I’m sure as hell gonna remember them for life (I’m trying to sound mellow, apparently, it’s not working right).
Without everyone else, rehearsals would be
a thousand times lonely and boring. You can say I look forward to practice entirely because of them. Oh and they’re practically the reason I’m so sick of junk food right now. For the last week, all I ever ate for dinner was Ruffles, Pringles, Cheetos, Doritos, marshmallows in chocolate syrup, chocolate syrup, gummy worms, iced tea, Dad’s Root Beer, Coke, chicken balls & nuggets and of course, Subway cookies & muffins fresh from Missouri. Or was it Florida? Well it’s basically all junk food, everything else that makes you fat. =.= Not that it’s a problem for me, high metabolism rate and all but yeah, I won’t be surprised if everyone else has gained at least a couple of pounds after the whole shindig. God, I love these guys.
Definitely. We’ve gone so far for things to end, so I’m certainly, 100% surely not gonna let it stop there. Well. I’m so betting I’m gonna break down tonight, after the curtains close. So anyway, the concert would be on tonight, at 7:30 PM at the Amphitheatre (don’t ask me either where or which, we only have ONE in this entire country, at least, I think so). You’ll see me playing in Sweet Child O’ Mine, My Girl, The Beatles & The Carpenters Medley, Breathless and Zombie. Not necessarily in that order. Tickets are for 20 bucks for adults and 10 for students/kids. You can get ‘em at Amphitheatre itself, right before the concert. Oh, and it’s free seating, so like, if you wanna get a good seat, get your asses there earlier.
So. Here’s to hoping tonight would be on the centre stage of epicality. Okay, so that’s not really a word, I just made it up to sound more...epic. Haha. It’s gonna be one of the best nights. Ever.
Labels: concerts, music, myself, people, personal things
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
..And Then There Was Cheese. 11:15 PM
Well. Cheese flavoured Ruffles. Good enough.
I just got back from rehearsals about three hours ago and it was semi-epic. Haha. We had a mini party on the school’s stairs. There was Coke and Ruffles and Lays, gummy worms and marshmallows, muffins and chicken nuggets! Well the paper does say “students are advised to bring food & water”, we just decided to bring junk food and plastic cups.
Regrettably though, the Coke finished up quicker than I could get a second drink. Because Aneesah just had to spill it all out of her nose. Or mouth. Either which. Hahahahaha. You shoulda seen that though, it was raining Coke. Well, on my spot anyway. :D She sorta kinda laughed while drinking Coke (with pieces of Ruffles mixed in it) and Joack (this really cool dude who sings) was telling a joke and yeah. You know how milk spills outta people’s noses? This is kinda like the same thing. Only NON-DAIRY. *shudders. Peace Aneesah :DD
And I met this really cool and interesting dude (I think he’s gay though, so no weird ideas yeah). He does a great Cockney accent and complains about how the boys around here are...quiet. Can’t blame him though. Haha. So anyway, today’s rehearsal was fun, better than the other times. Oh. And I’ve just established my Most Dangerous Guitarist Alive status, and my reputation is growing. I hit another person on the head. ><
Joel suggests we jam since he plays the drums fast enough for the sticks to fly off from his hands and stab someone. We shall be epic. Whoohooo. *does headbang*
So today’s our last major rehearsal and tomorrow we’re heading off to the Amphitheatre itself. (I still need a ride there and Honey suggests I hitch a ride with her but annoyingly, I’ve no idea what time I’m supposed to show up at Neo which is why I am here, waiting, waiting, waiting for her to get online and tell me. Oh, I’d love to text her, but remember the economic downfall we’re currently experiencing? Yeah, she’s out of credit as well. Oh my little problems.)
I can’t believe the concert’s in 4 days. It’s one of those how-in-heaven’s-name-did-time-get-lost-so-fast moments—she’s online, HALLE-FREAKING-LUJAH!!
So anyway, it makes me all gooey and sad that the concert’s up real soon. I mean, yeah, I am excited and whatever but it’s the fact that I won’t be seeing my new found buddies after the concert and the thought of it all makes me—alright. I’m not gonna make you guys read this right now. I’ll right about it some other time, ‘cause for now, I am hitting the sack. Or hay. Goodness, whatever. Sleeping is my point. It’s 11 for heaven’s sake. Go to sleep. ><
Sleep well.
Labels: hilarious, music, Neo, people, personal things, rehearsals
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
3 Words, 4 Syllables. Do. Not. Disturb. 2:29 PM
Adjective: away u’wey
1. Not present, having left.
It’s amusing that some people still don’t understand the concept of the “away” status in MSN. Or the “busy” sign either. Despite me clearly stating that I’m “away”, people still stubbornly talk to me. Don’t get me wrong, I suppose it should feel good that people want to talk to me yet it gets annoying that they would still bother even though it’s obvious that I can’t reply.
So please, don’t go around blaming me if I don’t reply, leave a message, just don’t expect anything in return, I’d always love to hear from anyone. Unless of course I despise you or something.
I mean, honestly, the very purpose of the “away” & “busy” sign is to show you that I am in fact AWAY or BUSY. It’s like locking your door, obviously saying that you don’t want to be bothered. Yet, someone will willingly bang on it, demanding you open. *sigh. Some people. Tsktsk. I don’t mind if it’s rather urgent, I’ll open to that but it’s all down to this: When my status shows away, I really do mean it.
Labels: MSN, personal things, random
Saturday, November 8, 2008
To Keep You Awake. 6:06 AM
“..This feeling is lonely, tearing me slowly, hits me so deep, it cuts my bone. Fills my heart, burns me up for way too long. I lie awake because I’m scared.”-Quietdrive
01:41 AMI am. I’m lying awake, thinking quietly in the confines of my bestfriend’s four poster bed. Nothing can explain the feeling I’m trying to suppress right at this moment and the song softly filling my head suits the mood. I’m not depressed, I’m merely sad. And Quietdrive depicts it well (thank you Paths).
01:46 AMI’m not only sad though, I have to say I’m immensely happy, I’m grateful for the bigger things in my life. There are just a few things I can’t express and it nags at my insides. I’m keeping you clueless aren’t I? It’s just that...life isn’t fair. It’s not.
01:49 AMIt’s not the side effect of the cocaine; I’m thinking it must be love. Ah, Fall Out Boy. Thank God for bands like Quietdrive & FOB. At least I can turn to them when there’s no one else to be verbose yet sullen and morose around with.
01:53 AMIt’s really strong. The nagging emotion of just trying to
not. Not. It’s impossible not to. To break your own heart...I mean. Dude.
01:54 AMOh just screw it all, I am human and there’s nothing I can do about this. Just go along with it, hold the charade and let it pass by, don’t forget wave. For heaven’s sake, it must be just a weird phase that everyone goes through. Nope. I doubt it, I’m repeating myself and nobody’s in my situation so far said.
01:57 AMThat’s it. Just let it go. Let. It. Go. You can do it Chels. You are Chelsea right, you can do anything! Now shut yourself up in your everything-but-possible dreams. It’s freaking 2 in the morning, half the world is tucked away into the safe solace of sleep and you might as well do.
01:59 AMOkay, Wannabe by The Spice Girls just came on. Wow. Well it did make me smile (: Go Spice Girls (I never knew they were British). So anyway, it’s exactly a couple of hours past Cinderella’s deadline and I should go sleep away the depression. No wait, this isn’t depression. It’s the freaking Spice Girls. GO TO SLEEP ALREADY CHELSEA!
2:02 AM*yawn*
2:03 AMDo you wanna be my lover? Haha. They just asked me that. Oh right. Sleep.
2:05 AM*snore. NOT.
Labels: myself, personal things
Thursday, November 6, 2008
If You Were Waiting For The Oppurtune Moment...You Just Missed It. 11:47 PM
“Last night, I knew what to say but you weren’t there to hear it. These lines so well rehearsed, tongue-tied and overloaded, you’ll never notice.”-The Academy Is...I did again. I did it AGAIN. When will I ever learn not to let chances pass? When? I swear. How many times do we have to go through to this routine until I learn from it? It’s terribly frustrating and you have no idea. I have to go with it every single time, I’ll just sit there and not do anything and look how much agony that has caused. To sit in anxiety, along with frenzied palpitations, just unknowingly and unwittingly letting the opportunity pass by without reluctance. Tell me, do you see that?
8 or so days will pass till it happens again. Well, I won’t let it. Not this time.
Labels: music, myself, people, personal things
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
"Something Productive" He Says. 4:46 PM
I’ve found something productive to do for 2 whole months and I bet no one else have thought of this. Then again, not everyone around here is a total geek like myself. So anyway, no, I’m not trying to invent something that will change the course of humanity or anything majorly major.
I’m going to preoccupy myself with exponentially elaborating my vocabulary as well as grammatical skills infinitesimally. Translation: I’m learning loads more of deep new English words. That will keep me busy this winter. Not that we have winter or any other fun-induced season here, living near the Equator and all, but yeah. By the time school opens, I’ll be next Shakespeare. Only female, with hair and minus the misogynistic nature. I’m doing it again, aren’t I?
I’m pretty bummed that you, my dear readers will all run off, kicking and screaming seeing as you guys can’t understand a word I’m saying. Tims is right, I shouldn’t over do it. Haha, anyway, yeah. I’m gonna look up some more intricate words.
****Man. Edward Cullen is so...well, I have no words for him. The first thing I heard today when I got online was a harassed interrogation from someone demanding to know who Edward Cullen was. Haha, I think his girlfriend and her girlfriends are hooked on Edward. Who can blame them though? Edward Cullen. He is...I’m speechless. I sure am glad that he doesn’t exist in the real dynamic world. If he did then every single female on this planet will be all over him, I won’t even get chance. Pity the rest of the guys.
Mmmm..Edward. It's amazing how the book never mentions the word "hot" at all. Not even once. It's sophisticated then, 'cause Edward is more than hot. He's.....yeah, you know what I mean.
****Obama has won! WHOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The first Afro-American President ever! Goodbye abortion, goodbye condoms, goodbye Democrats, goodbye dotty old Sarah Palin getting prank called by Canadians! So long and goodnight.
Today is a new day. Obama is gonna change things. Everything. Okay, hopefully not everything, but the bad things. To good things. Well yeah, I don’t live in any of the 50 states, but this affects me a lot. And it’s amazing to see lots of people nicknames online adorned with well wishing to Obama. Hail the new guy!
I feel like watching Head of State now.
Labels: holidauys, myself, Obama, personal things, political issues, USA
Sunday, October 26, 2008
It Would Mean The World. To Me. 6:46 PM
Guess what? I just found something cooler than an Epiphone Les Paul. Nothing other than...[cue drums] A JOE Washburn WI26 Joe Trohman Signature Electric Guitar!! In easier, less complex & more simplified words,
A FRIGGIN’ WASBURN DESIGNED BY JOSEPH MARK TROHMAN. You know, the dude, my hero?
It’ll mean the world to me if I get it. And since he’s my hero and all, it’ll be super cool that I get a guitar designed by Joseph himself. That is the best thing. Ever. I swear. Like, wow. *lost in a fantasy with the guitar*
"I spent a long time putting this guitar together, making it something that really represented me as a guitar player. This is the result and I'm so pleased with it. The fact that Washburn presented this opportunity in the first place means the world to me, and now I got to work with great people to create something I truly love. I'm a guitar player, and I'm obsessed with every inch, every nook, every aspect of guitars in general. I put my stamp whole heartily on this guitar, knowing that it fully kicks ass and surpasses my standards. I'm excited to make it available to everyone out there. Enjoy it, it will bring you riffs galore."- JoeLabels: eBay, Fall Out Boy, guitars, personal things
eBay. I'm Lovin' It. 6:18 PM
I know I should be studying about the Treaty of Versailles or like, The Russo-Japanese War right now, what with my History exam on Tuesday, but I can’t. I can’t. I’m too busy with eBay. I thought, hey, what if I can’t raise enough cash for an Epiphone electric guitar around here, then why not the Internet? So I’ve spent the last half hour checking out eBay and boy, did I see some beautiful guitars. Seriously.
I’m looking for a Les Paul and I’ve found a couple, white & maroon colored ones and they are simply...breathtaking. Yeah, this is how much I love music. So anyway, I just got to buy one of those before anyone else does SO NOBODY DARE TOUCH IT. Savvy?
Oh, and I’d appreciate it if someone who knows how you get stuff on eBay could help me here.
Labels: guitars, music, personal things
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Exams On A Weekend. That's Not Right, Is It? 11:04 AM
Stickks was rather sensitive about photos. I seriously have no idea why. We tried ever, ever so hard to get the Nike bag away from her face.
Aikks & I. I have a friggin’ huge smile, haven’t I? Gotta work on that, don’t wanna freak the hell out of people when I try to be friendly.
Nickks & myself.
Qawi, Syadz, Izwan & I, off to lunch. Speaking of which, I am hungry.
At Millenium.
So I suppose you noticed it’s all Muslim kids except me right? Yeah well, I had to hang back after school for music class and they had IRK exams in the afternoon. I had half a mind with the intention of taking IRK as an elective next year, you know just sleep through the whole semester.
COKE!
****Science exam in a couple of hours, I’m good. But pretty hungry. English went alright on Thursday, but I ended up with a lot more words than the required. Like, Section A asked for a 300 words. I ended up with almost 700. Section B’s minimum was about 150, I got about 500. That’s like, 3 times the freaking required! What can I say? Writing is kinda my thing. Honestly. As much as I talk a lot, I write a lot.
So the photo shoot at Neo went alright Thursday night. I seriously didn’t know what to wear and had to ask Rona & Aikks just what online haha, I had to go and webcam myself after dressing up, asking their opinion. Honey or Sarah Jane, I don’t know, told me to wear a dress or some slacks or something and since I had none of the above mentioned, I ended up looking like someone from Panic At The Disco. You know vintage frilly shirt and black non-slacks? I think I looked fine.
I thought I’d adapt my theme from them, they have the awesomest wardrobe, Panic does. It’s like, semi-vintage, classic clothes from the 17th century era. I think.
****Yeah, you totally are. I’m all for it, yet I’m not going to do anything, not a step forward, ‘cause all I know is that it would go nowhere between you and I. And even if it did, it’d probably end so bad we won’t want to ever do something like that again. But I could be wrong, so I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to start off as friends.
Labels: exams, people, personal things, photographs, school
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Zombie: I'm Not Angry. Just Disappointed. 10:40 PM
I would think of the million things I’ve done for you and I realize you never really were appreciative of anything I’ve ever done. Ever. There were no fireworks, show of applause or even a small shower of gratitude. Sometimes I even wonder how we ended up as friends. Scratch that, I was the only friggin’ ‘friend’. You were only there for the ride, for the show, not for the friendship. From my point of view anyway. Cause you know, bestfriends? They care about you, they support you, and they never let you down. Apparently, you failed all that.
Our whole friendship was like a game of tug-o’-war. Except I was the only one pulling to keep the game running, to keep the fun showing & the adrenaline pumped. It was just me; I never really saw that it was a one-sided affair. I always did my thing solo. Yeah. So where were you? Where were you?
I could go on forever. You never really showed your kind and caring support or whatever muck friends are supposed to show. I always made your day at least a little brighter right? You can’t say I‘ve never made you smile, ever. I’ve always tried to be awesome to you yet you’re just so full of dark cynicism. Isn’t there anything beyond that baggy eyed, constantly frowning exterior? Isn’t there?
I really thought I meant at least something to you. Even just a small bit, you know, like even after a while you’d miss me too as a friend. But you never did. I thought that I held at least some sort of value in your life, something you don’t want to lose. But all of a sudden I realize...I never actually did.
You know why? Because it was that easy of you to throw away our friendship. It meant something to me, you know, it did. But did it ever occur to you that it did?
I have every right to be angry at you for not giving me even a little of what I was deserving of. I really thought we’d be end great; however the curtains close as two strangers make their way to the exit, wary of glances. You tell me: Is this how things should end?
After all the good times, laughter shared & smiles made, this is how it ends? I just become another face you pass by the corridors? Another person seen across the hallways? What a waste.
I’d be happy to give you a second chance. I’ve come to realize it wasn’t me who needed another try, another go at the dodgy game of friendship. It wasn’t me. It was you.
So just think about it. Without me, would things still be the same? It doesn’t look that way to me. But then you know what they say, “Don’t judge quick”, so hey, maybe you are better off without me. If you choose to go down that road...then,
“All I need to know is that I’m something you’ll be missing.”
-You’re So Last SummerLabels: myself, people, personal things
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Relapse. 1:57 PM
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you both. You’re doing it again. Again. Actually, the hate’s more on YOU, you sadistic little--
X
I am sick, sick, sick of the way you do that. The way you just do something that you know would HURT ME without a care.
I am sick that you keep doing something that’s MY job.
I am sick that you stole the best thing that could’ve happened to me.
I am sick that you’re having so much fun with something that’s mine.
I am sick that I let this happen.
I am sick that you two are so happy every time you’re together & you know how this makes me feel.
I am sick that you know that this would kill me yet you do it.
I am sick that you still do it.
I am so sick; I want to scream in your face. SCREAM SHUT UP AND SCREW OFF.
I am sick that you’re my friend and you do this to me.
I am sick and severely hurt.
I am sick; I’m stressing the part THAT YOU STOLE MY ROLE. MY PART. MY JOB. SOMETHING THAT’S SUPPOSED TO BE MINE AND MINE ONLY.
I am sick of everything that’s you.
I am sick of it all.
X
Am I supposed to be happy for you or something else that’s sick? Cause I’m not. I’m definitely not. How would you feel if someone stole your world? Something you hold dear? Something special, something meant for you and only you?
You must’ve thought I don’t mind but I do. I mind a LOT. What the hell is wrong with you?!
I swear, this is it. One more time and I’m biting your head off.
What? Let it go? HOW CAN I LET THIS THING GO?! You tell me. What’s the matter with you?
You could’ve helped, in fact, that’s all I want, all I want is your help. But no, you just had to go and take it all away, hadn’t you?
I should’ve known. You know, from day one. I should’ve realized.
I wouldn’t have cared if it were something else, something minor, but this time you screwed it. You screwed it BIG TIME.
Labels: anger, people, personal things, things that piss me off
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
I Never Should've Picked Up The Phone. 6:30 PM
“The only thing worse than not knowing is you thinking that I don’t know.”
7 Minutes In Heaven (Ataven Halen); Fall Out BoyI am so, so pissed right now, I could kill someone. A particular someone. Or maybe two particular someones. I could kill you both. Grr.
I know I really shouldn’t be like this, and I’m probably overreacting again. Or not. Well, you really had me right there. RIGHT THERE. I mean after all I’ve done for you, [insert name here] still gets all the credit. AND you’ve only known [insert name here] for less than a month. I did exactly the same thing so and so did, even more, and then you go on and shove all your appreciation on em. Oh no, not me, I’m just Chelsea right? Everyone takes Chelsea for granted, that’s alright, she won’t mind if I toss her aside for a while.
I did the same thing, the same damn thing, and what’s more is that I did it better! But did you ever show your appreciation? NO. Not really. Sometimes I wonder why I bother. It doesn’t seem to make any difference to you anyway.
And then [insert name here] comes along, does what I did, and you immediately award em the Nobel Prize. What happens to me? Nothing. I don’t get anything. I know I’m not really supposed to ask for anything, but I don’t even want anything. I just want your damn appreciation. But no. What the hell?! What is wrong with you?!?!
And this isn’t the first time! Sometimes you just—AARRRGGGGHHHHH. Sometimes I just wanna shove you awake, open your eyes and say, “Hey, it’s me! What about me?! How come [insert name here] gets it all? I didn’t get a thing!” Why? WHY?
They get it all. NOT ME. Not even a “thank you, you’ve been really great”. Or “thank God you’re my friend, you lighten up my day” or something. Maybe I should’ve just left you to die in some sewer where you belong.
That’s what hurt me the most. You never showed your appreciation. At all. And if you have, what a funny way of showing it. I swear I’ve never heard something nice about me from you. Ever. Until [insert name here] comes along and runs my routine, does my job and SHE gets all the credit. SHE DOES. Not me, but she. What happened to me? Whatever happened to me?
And you! You have no idea how it makes me feel when you just go off and hog at it like it means nothing. But it means something. To me. And you know how I felt, how could you still do that? How could you two both go and stab me? You probably aren’t aware of it, but you did. You hit me alright.
You knew that I felt strongly about all this but why did you have to go and do that? Why?! THAT’S MY JOB. MY PART. MY ROLE. You aren’t supposed to run off and take it...
You go around thinking that you know loads more than I do. WAKE UP! Talking about stuff you get to do and have and stuff I can’t and probably never will because both of you are such pricks. You made me feel bad, you made me feel a LOT bad. Like, a lot.
Seriously? Who takes granted of their bestfriend? Well, I’ve got the answer to that. YOU TWO OBVIOUSLY DO. And that’s the worst part. You two are my bestfriends. At least, I thought you were. I just never realized I wasn’t considered one all along.
Maybe you should just go back to where you belong. Everything was alright up till then. You have no idea how hurt I am. Both of you.
Maybe I’m just jealous. Maybe I’m being immature. But it doesn’t matter, it hurt me.
It hurt me a lot. And if I am just jealous or immature then I probably don’t know what’s going on. So would you two please explain to me what the bloody hell’s been going on. Cause until then, you’re guilty in my eyes.
Labels: anger, personal things, things that piss me off
Monday, September 22, 2008
Yeah. 2:48 PM
If you were here, I’d never have a fear.
So go on live your life,
But I miss you more than I did yesterday,
So far away,
So go on show me how,
‘Cause I mean this more than words could ever say.
–GIVE ‘EM HELL KID Labels: lyrics, music, personal things, random
YESTERDAY.
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