“And she’d ask for time and she’d ask for time,

She’d ask for time and she’d ask for time.

And she would beg for time, she’d beg for time, and call it a gift.
And he would give her time and he’d give her time,

And he’d give her time and he’d give her time,
But time is not given, time is not taken; it just sifts through its sift.

Time is not given. Time is not taken. It just sifts through its sift. “

— Buildings by Regina Spektor

Miss Spektor’s absolutely right isn’t she? That last stanza hits me like the final resounding power chord strummed at a KISS concert: clearly and with such profound reverb. Time is not given, time is not taken, it just sifts through its sift. It just sifts through its sift. It just sifts through its sift.

It’s 3:10 am, I’m awake and alone in my bedroom with nothing for company except for music, ye ol’ faithful, my stupid noisy air-conditioner (which seems to make more noise than “conditioned air” or whatever that’s supposed to come out of it) and thoughts full of loneliness and hollowness. Ha-ha. Thoughts full of hollowness. How can I possibly be filled emptiness? Beats me but it certainly is how I feel inside.

I feel that time is rushing forward too fast, too quickly. I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that 2011 is forty-two days away. FOURTY-TWO. 42. Quatro dos! That’s probably not even right but you see my point? It seemed only like it was yesterday when my bestfriends were all on the same flippin’ island as I am and it seemed only yesterday I was in school, imitating a post-apocalypse zombie every Monday morning, it seemed only yesterday… that everything’s happened. Where’s time gone? I didn’t see it sifting, no.

I miss everything. I miss everyone. I miss every single fucking thing from the beginning of this year (and bordering the years even before) to this very second. I miss everything that’s happened this year, most specifically. Every single memory I have of everything within 2010’s contents were the best memories I’ve ever made yet. Every single friend, every single laugh, every single tear, every single emotion, every single word, every single hurt, every single place, every single emotion, every single person, every single fear, every single song, of every single day. I’m not about to divulge everything that’s happened to me this year, that would take probably a damn novel, maybe an entire fucking series, so not today, not tonight. But hear me,everything.

This year has changed a lot of who I am. So many things the stuff of legend has decided to happen this year, and I can honestly say I’m not the same person I was a year ago. Six months ago. A month ago. Yesterday, even. There’s so much I’ve grown into. I’ve changed a hell of a lot, yet I’m still the same. I’m still me. I’m still Chelsea. And more.

A couple of friends lost, and a million more made; many bonds broken as some people fade. There were so many tears shed on things that didn’t even matter the littlest bit two weeks later. But the thing I miss the most? The bits of my life when not a single fuck was given about life. Not in a bad way, of course. The bit where you just lived for the moment, when there was so much love in you, for your friends, for your family, for God, so much your heart could just explode like a fucking firework. Times a billion.

And the laughter. Oh, the laughter. I miss the laughter.

I’m not saying it’s all gone, I’m just saying I miss the past. And everything it held. Do you want to know why? I’ll share you my biggest fear. My biggest fear… is losing everything I love. Or more accurately, everyone I love. There is no point denying it, not everything was made to last forever. And I fear losing everyone that’s made me who I am. Everyone who’s caused me to feel. To simply feel.. Feel. I fear that one day, someday, we won’t be looking at each other the same we do now. That we’d drift apart, we won’t mean much at all, we’d be looking at strangers in photographs… And I don’t want that. I don’t want to lose... anyone. I fear… evanescence.

And I’m just fucking hoping and praying my guts out that nothing, not even time can take the people I love away. I can’t let time cause them to evanesce. I’m not going to let that happen. Not today, not ever. No.

Time is not given, time is not taken. Neither can you take away the things that mean the most to me.

Labels: I ran out of things on the laptop and was reduced to writing this