Oh, if you haven’t read Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events, Book the Eleventh, The Grim Grotto, then the title of this entry will make none whatsoever sense to your brain.

Okay, so it’s three minutes past 8 and I am miles, no, light years away from conquering my newfound mountain of homework. Such a malicious little thing, growing there ever so sinisterly in dark corners of my school things like poisonous fungi manifolding along a cave wall, threatening to poison some poor traveller, concocting devious plans on how to put me in the agony of finishing off two essays (which aren’t even in English), a project on nutrients, a hundred and one questions and answers, one or two sets of comprehensions, Math corrections and a composition in a span of 9 hours.

Oh dear, dear me. What tangled ball of labour have I gotten myself into now?

Oh right, that’s what.

Unwillingly being an all-time procrastinator and high class bum, I put off my BM homework for more than a month and now it’s back and has reared its nasty head. No, not one, but THREE of its heads! It’s like, the Cerberus of all homework with razor sharp fangs and nasty drool you can’t get off of you for days! For now. I don’t want to know the amount of homework they’re going to heap on our shoulders next sem. (As if the weight of our hearts aren’t heavy enough already.)

If I don’t finish up this homework by Friday, I am dead. Like, Freddy-Kruger-slashed-me-with-his-five-claws dead. Like, trapped-inside-a-glass-box-with-about-fifty-or-so-angry-brain-eating-zombies-trying-to-smash-the-glass dead. Or like, being-chased-by-hundreds-of-cannibalistic-humans-with-rage-disorder-and-the-only-way-to-escape-is-by-getting-into-that-boat-over-there-but-it’s-too-damn-far-and-I-don’t-think-I’m-gonna-make-it dead. Or like—ANYWAY, you get the picture.

If I don’t get this done asa-freaking-p, my BM teacher’s gonna chase me down with a chainsaw tomorrow and all I have to save myself is a pair of chopsticks and a Basement Jaxx record. Nice choice of weaponry, Chelsea, that’s REALLY gonna save you from a deranged old lady with a CHAINSAW. She’s probably going to chase you down ruthlessly, slice and dice you up into little pieces of sushi, feed you to her evil crocodiles in her evil swamp, grab the crocodiles’ poop, burn the poop and then use the ash as war paint on her face.

Oh, my God! Seeing as I’ve only managed to finish one tenth of all her homework, I gotta get my rear end outta here! I know! I’ll dig my way through the ground with my chopstick, all the way to Greenland, fake my identity as the daughter of an Irish whaler who has a knack for pink lemonade and colored stripey socks and has a bald spot and spends a majority of her time alone in her bedroom all day, playing the Basement Jaxx record over and over and over again, singing, “You are my destiny, JAIHOOOOOO! JAIHOOOOOOOOOO!” in a very loud voice.

No. NO WAY! I don’t wanna be some daughter of an Irish whaler who has a knack for pink lemonade and colored stripy socks and spends a majority of her time alone in her bedroom all day, playing the Basement Jaxx record over and over and over again, singing, “You are my destiny, JAIHOOOOOO! JAIHOOOOOOOOOO!” in a very loud voice!!!!  NO SIR, my life may suck like balls right now but no way am I gonna be some Irish teenager in a wig. No way.

So I think I’m gonna do my homework now. It’s already 20 minutes past 9. HOLY FUDGECAKE WITH ALMONDS ON TOP!!! IS THAT THE TIME? AAARRGHHHHHHHH!

Labels: homework, random, school, wild imaginings