2:17 PM. My mind wanders to the memory of this time exactly 24 hours ago. I knew I shouldn’t have done it, it’s like taking some overtly poisonous and toxic drug, it makes you high, like nothing else matters when you do it. That’s because the pain sinks in later. The aftermath of my actions is just too much to bear, way too much for the human heart to cope with. You said that people can cope with so much more than mere weakness... I can’t.

It felt so right at the time, it was like nothing else mattered. Yes, it was too soon to say perfect. Too soon to say anything, everything. The act was right, the reason behind it was wrong. Where the act would’ve healed hearts, sealed hearts, where the act would’ve made everything fall into right into place, where doing it meant a million things to do with love, where doing it would make you feel on top of the world, where it can calm every fret, so severe, it can change your life, it did quite the opposite to me. Sure, I was on top of the world, yet in that one solitary moment, the ground pulled under from beneath my feet. Fall, fall, crash. It shattered everything. It gave me that one high, and of course, the higher you fly, the harder you fall, I came crashing down real hard, real, real hard.

Everything was found and then lost in that one moment. Just about everything. I lost what home meant to me. I lost the one thing that was close to being my whole world. I know I shouldn’t have done that, letting it mean almost everything to me. It means that when lose it, I’ll be losing almost everything. Well, it’s a human weakness, and I’m still human. I’m no Superman.

I don’t regret my actions. I don’t regret what I’ve done. And I wouldn’t change a thing for the most, except the circumstances in which I’ve done it. I would change the reasons, I would change the feelings, and I would numb my own pain, especially my own feelings so I won’t be like this right now for your sakes. But no, I’m not God, I’m just Chelsea. And being me, I’ll have to live with it and get by.

In time, maybe I’ll forget. Forget how that one moment made me whole, complete, and how it broke me too, in complete irony. But I’m ready to pick up the fragments and to attempt to piece them together. It could take a day, a week, even six months. But in time, I’ll get myself together, and maybe, maybe then, that last missing piece of my jigsaw puzzle will hit home.

Labels: people, personal things